Patience is a virtue I'm not well acquainted with, and as such, puzzles and I don't get along so well. What's fun for others is a menial task in my mind, and even the constant state of ennui throughout all this coronavirus businesses hasn't been enough to sway me. As I've seen friends turn to puzzles on their Instagram Stories, all I can think is, "Why would you do that to yourself, and at a time like this?"
If you're sitting here reading this thinking I'm the crazy one and that you would very much enjoy a puzzle right now, let me introduce you to something truly and utterly infuriating. Heinz has created a 570-piece puzzle that bears nothing but the red of its ketchup (also gross, but that's another rant on the subsidized corn industry). That's it, that's the puzzle: just red. And in an even crueler fate, you can't just buy it either. You need to work before you can torture yourself.
A lil contest — Heinz is giving away just 57 of these puzzles that belong in a museum next to the Pear of Anguish. To win, and thus lose, you've got to respond to one of Heinz's posts on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter by commenting who you'd wish to finish the puzzle with.
Reveal your dark inner self to the brand's social media manager and tell them who, with the joyous freedom of gathering with others available once more, you'd ring it in by subjecting them to this fate. Is it your poor mother, a friend that deserves better, or a historical figure that you'd reanimate with the express purpose of driving them mad?
If you're not fortunate enough to win and want to partake in only a slightly less senseless activity, consider Kodak's 53,100 piece puzzle or this big ole moon. Dragging someone else into it is still possible but not required for purchase.