Spring Cleaning Issue

I should have bought this $13 Wahl nose hair trimmer years ago

Instead of spring cleaning my home this year, I’m spring cleaning my nostrils with this $13 Wahl nose, ear, and brow trimmer. I feel like a new man.

After years of sitting in my Amazon “Saved for later” list, I said screw it on Sunday and checked out the “Wahl Ear, Nose, & Brow Trimmer Clipper – Painless Eyebrow & Facial Hair Trimmer for Men & Women, Battery Included Electric Groomer – Model 5545-400.” It arrived at my door the next day.

The $13.30 nose trimmer cost me nothing. Thank you Amazon Prime credit card rewards points! Also, what the hell is going on with the name. Why is nobody talking how Amazon jams its product pages with keywords? Somebody really should. It’s an infestation.

But back to my trimmer — I caved because a few stray hairs in my nostrils have been bothering me. I’ve used a pair of baby nose hair safety scissors (the kind with the rounded edges) to trim inside my nose for years. Who needs an electric nose hair trimmer for a two-second — five-second at most — job?

Turns out I do need one — I can’t believe I’ve been living without this kind of luxury my entire life!

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There is nothing remotely special about the Wahl nose hair trimmer I bought. It’s $13 — I’ve spent more money on dumber and less useful things. So the fact that it’s less than a decent lunch in Manhattan already makes it a value.

I’m usually a snob when it comes to tech or appliances or grooming gear — I’m the guy who owns a Dyson SuperSonic and drags it around the world on trips! — but this thing I didn’t bother with. I did the research and I read through everyone’s picks, and in the end, I left the dozen tabs of nose hair trimmers ranging from Wahl to Norelco to Panasonic hanging and just went for this cheap plastic one. I don’t need all the features or the RPMS or the extra heads or modes — just cut my nose hairs!

My trimmer isn’t just cheap in price, but build quality and that’s fine. The silver plastic body, painted to resemble metal, looks like it’ll rub right off with a few uses. I honestly couldn’t care less. I bought this thing to hack at my nose hairs and it does the job off the power of an included AA battery. There are a couple of other heads that can be attached for trimming your brows or beard or sideburns or the insides of your ears; I won’t be using those. I don’t f*ck with my eyebrows. (When I was a kid, my older sister put duct tape on one of my eyebrows and ripped it off, probably traumatizing me for life, so I don’t mess with my beautiful brows. They’re au natural just the way God intended.)

The teeny-tiny blade that rotates to cut up your nose hairs.Raymond Wong / Input

My nostrils have never felt freer — I can breathe again! The strong aroma of my neighbor’s fried fish has never hit me harder; my nose is liberated. Mostly, in less than 48 hours, I no longer feel compelled to pick it and rid any stray boogers because there are none.

I look stupid, but who cares? Raymond Wong / Input

If you’re reading this and about to get wise on me with an “um, actually... nose hairs are a good thing because they act as traps for dirt and dust and pathogens and stuff” you can save it. I know how to read WebMD! It’s my life, I’ll do as I please. And right now, I have no regrets spending a few bucks on an electric wand that spins a teeny tiny blade to shred my nose hairs. The burning-like smell emitted during the chopping of my nose hairs had me a little concerned at first, but then I remembered I had a micro-sized motor shoved up my nose. What did I expect it to smell like? Freshly cut grass?

Spring cleaning is usually all about tidying up your home or clearing out the digital crap in your iPhone or Mac. But this year, I say, let’s get crazy and spring clean up our noses (and other places that need grooming). You owe it to yourself (and maybe any upcoming dates).

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